


Time to Clown Up

by Lonewritersclub



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batman memoirs, Fluff, Humor, Joker's annoying, Racial Stereotypes, Treatments, Waxing, Yu Yan can barely take it, beauty salon, self-care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 13:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16388687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonewritersclub/pseuds/Lonewritersclub
Summary: Joker gets himself waxed (outchy) and talks about Batman.





	Time to Clown Up

The old Chinese woman didn’t even bother to smile at Joker at this point. Didn’t even greet him at the door.

“The usual?” she simply asked with a blunt tone while already turning her back to him and starting to lead him into the room. He just followed her with his usual self-satisfied grin on his face and then sat down onto the massage table in the centre of the room.

“You know it”, he answered her cheerfully and nonchalantly untied up the fuzzy towel rope around the soft white robe he was wearing and let the garment freely fall off of him onto the floor. He laid himself down onto the soft table in all of his white naked glory while the woman, Yu Yan was her pretty pretty name, began preparing all of the essentials for the treatment.

While the wax was melting down in the pot, she turned around to face him on the table. She hated it when she undressed himself like that, leaving everything down on the floor. With a disapproving frown forever etched on her aged face, Yu Yan picked the robe up and hang it up on a chair. Joker relished in her criticism and smiled to himself in cavalier.

Yu Yan proceeded with the treatment by beginning to chalk up Joker’s body from head to toe with baby powder to remove any moisture on his skin. She grumbled to him distastefully as she lathered him with the puffing white substance that made Joker nearly sneeze with it as she inspected his skin at the same time.

“You have not been moisturizing enough”, she nagged to him before finishing up and going back to check on the wax. However, not before chucking a towel over his groin – she couldn’t sometimes believe the audacity of this man but in the end he paid her well and was a very loyal customer. 

Joker pouted with an absurd amount of dramatism from her moisturising statement and then raised his arm to take a look at his own skin a little closer too. With a disappointed sigh his arm slumped back onto the table with a muffled thump and a heavy sigh.

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right like always, Yu Yan. I haven’t been looking after myself enough lately. The Bat has been keeping me so very busy, I’ve had barely any time to take a moment to take care of myself”, he lamented. “But that’s all about change now – that’s why I came to you today! I want to start looking tip-top again”, he continued with a dreamy, determined smile.

Yu Yan could feel that one of Joker’s long monologues was about to begin and she simply started working on the wax treatment without waiting for a cue and trying to block her ears the best she could. She began with Joker’s legs and lathered the skin with the warm wax with expertise. Joker didn’t even seem to notice it when she then ripped it off with a swift movement of her practiced wrist.

Honestly, it wasn’t like there was much hair on his body to begin with and that was one of the reasons why Yu Yan had a hard time comprehending why the Joker kept coming to her. She guessed he simply enjoyed the experience of grooming himself at a professional’s despite the fact her office wasn’t exactly located in the most prosperous part of town – far from it actually. One had to look out for junkies and pocket thieves in addition to the intrusively hailing street vendors littering the grimy streets in their small stalls filled with counterfeit designer bags and t-shirts.

Then again, the man himself couldn’t be described as a very decent person. Yu Yan hardly ever kept up with the news but every Gothamite had heard of this clown at one sorrowful point in their lives or another. However, the fact that she knew so little about him and his activities from what the small TV in her kitchen at times rasped with static, she only really had his own side of the events to rely on. That meant she didn’t hesitate with fear when ripping out the nearly invisible tiny hairs on his body. The things he told her were nothing but ludicrously entertaining and outrageously impossible to believe. So, she just kept tugging the hardened wax between her strong nimble fingers from his skin and took all of the slightly greenish hair off without a twitch in her expression even when Joker flinched from being painfully startled in the middle of his many tales.

With a tired brain, she tried to keep up with his story when he pointed out that she wasn’t listening to him again.

“Oh fine, I’ll just start from the beginning!” he groaned with frustration yet determination as if he was the victim here. But this time, Yu Yan glanced at his words from time to time to keep him happy in his belief that she was actually focusing on anything he said.

The things you had to do for money these days, Yu Yan sadly thought to herself.

“So, after a regularly spectacular jewellery heist one night, I was running up an alley with the Bat right behind me, you know, at one of our usual date sites. It was so dark and gloomy, what could have it been, maybe three o’clock at night. Anyway, you couldn’t even see the moon, the clouds were so heavy that day, you could practically smell the rain in the air. I was getting kind of tired from the chase because I had been running on some other errands earlier that day and I hadn’t had the time to unwind before our nightly rendezvous, so when it came down to quickly getting over the sudden obstruction of the metal fence that seemed to appear simply out of nowhere in front of me, I found myself slipping on the slick iron bar and falling flat on my ass right when I was about to jump to the other side onto my shiny patent leather clad feet as gracefully as always. Can’t you imagine? Right in front of Batman! On my ass right in the middle of our chase – in a sleazy puddle not to mention! God lord, you can’t even believe how red my cheeks became when Bats then swooped right in front of me in a glorious swish of handsome darkness, standing there in all of his towering exaltation while me and my bottom were absolutely drenched and aching from the failed landing.”

After all that loud, extravagant storytelling that had been accompanied with grand hand gestures and facial expressions, Joker muttered something to himself then so low and quiet that Yu Yan couldn’t make it out. She was hoping he had finished but of course he wasn’t. He then continued with a more solemn, contented look in his eyes.

“But he didn’t laugh. He just offered me his strong big hand and helped me up like the dark charming prince he is. After that I didn’t even try to run. Not just because my ass was hurting so much and my legs were almost ready to give out, but because I didn’t want to cause any more trouble for him that night. I felt like I had got what I had looked for already”, he smiled to himself.

Yu Yan moved over to his arms.

“So I went with him quietly and when I lied there in my bunk later at Arkham, listening to the screams and cries of the other inmates of the stone beauty in the outskirts of Gotham, I stretched my muscles tentatively and wondered to myself why I had been unsuccessful that night. Why had our chase ended so quickly and so awfully anti-climatically? Then it hit me. It was the fact that I had been so tired that I had fallen from on top of a simple fence”, Joker examined.

“That’s when I realized that I would need to take better care of myself. Despite all the hard work I had put into our relationship, I had forgotten to work on myself as of late. I had let my ideals of our relationship get the better of me and captivate me from other important issues in my life. I’d need to remember to look after my body and mind again because after all, how is the Bat going to value me if I don’t first value myself? I realized that our relationship can’t work if one of us isn’t maintaining their usual high standards. Besides, when you first look after yourself, everything else starts falling into place soon after”, Joker said and looked at Yu Yan straight in the eyes that time with his intense green gaze.

“That’s why I came back to you today, Yu Yan. You’re my first step to getting myself back together again. And I want you to learn this simple but important lesson from me personally – my dear, self-care is no small matter. It does not mean merely self-indulging but valuing yourself and others around you.”

The smile that graced Joker’s face was nothing less of a self-acclaimed genius’s. Yu Yan didn’t bother answering it, she just ripped the hairs from Joker’s armpit that much quicker. The clown’s breath was stolen with that.

What would be self-caring for her, would be to throw him right out the door. She didn’t need to listen to this crap.

While she moved onto his chest, he proceeded with his day plans.

“After this I’ve made an appointment with my tailor – he’s actually just down the street, I bet you know him! Mr Wang sound familiar to you?”

It did sound familiar to her but only because it was one of the most common Chinese surnames around. In fact, it was hers as well. She, again, did not reply to him. Unfortunately the lack of response didn’t stop him from talking as per usual.

“Anyhoo, he’s made most of my suits and this time is no different. I am, however, going to go with a slightly darker color this time, I think. A more expensive fabric for sure because the last one had shredded like it was made out of paper! I guess I’ll need to remind Mr Wang not to make my clothes out of the same material as his wallpaper”, he laughed gleefully.

Japanese, Yu Yan thought to herself, that’s a Japanese stereotype.

“Aah…” he brushed happy tears from his eyes absentmindedly as he continued, “And then, I’m going to my barber’s and have a nice authentic shaving done to get rid of all of this stubble.”

Joker stroked his chin as if there were any hairs there – which there wasn’t. The only real hair Yu Yan could spot was the green mass adorning his head but she didn’t care enough to point it out.

“You want facial treatment then, too?” she asked him instead. If he really was going out on pampering himself today, he was probably looking for a skin treatment as well other than just waxing his entire body.

Joker’s mouth took the shape of the letter ‘o’ as he turned to look at Yu Yan as excitedly as a dog would at a nice big bone.

“You do facials too?!” he enquired, hands coming to his cheeks in an expression of wonder. Yu Yan nodded and nearly rolled her eyes at him. Why did she even ask? Wasn’t the whole point of this to get it done as quickly as possible, cash in nice and good, and then kick him out right after? She was digging herself a grave here.

Joker just kept on grinning big and toothy.

“Oh please, I’d love nothing more than a soothing and cooling facial! I bet you’re the master of even those, I just feel it”, he marvelled. “It’s going to be just splendid. Yes, let’s do that!”

And that’s how Yu Yan had to listen to the clown’s terrible stories for two more hours straight even when she spread the facial mask around his mouth. Then finally, when she clicked off the main ceiling light so that the room was washed in a pink hue coming from the small table-lamp that had a scarf thrown over it did the clown quiet down completely and relax for once. Joker just lied there on the table underneath two towels and a soft red blanket, a sticky chamomile and ginger root mixture on his face and cucumber slices covering his eyes while soft classical melodies came through the air vents when Yu Yan’s neighbour put on his favorite album on – every day at the exact same time.

Yu Yan took the time that the facial had to just stay on Joker’s face and do its thing, to drink so tea and let her tired ears relax in the peacefulness.

When it came to eventually removing the mask from his face and lotioning up his entirely body with aloe vera ointment, he still did not utter a word. He lied quietly, eyes closed, breathing calmly through his nose while Yu Yan carefully worked on him, massaging his skin with protective and nurturing lotions.

Yu Yan assumed Joker had simply finally realized a little something more about self-care – that it could mean simply being present and aware and about not saying anything.

However, the man was who he was and the silence couldn’t possibly last forever. So just before Yu Yan was finished with him, he opened his brilliant green eyes, sat up elegantly on the table and stared at her gratefully. With a frustrated huff Yu Yan placed the towel over his hips yet again as it fell off from the movement.

“I am very glad we did this, Yu Yan. You’re a real lifesaver, you know. I feel like I couldn’t be more ready to face the rest of this day now and I simply cannot wait until I can see Batsy again and show all of this off to him”, he smirked happily and ran his hand down his now extremely smooth and moisturized leg. Yu Yan couldn’t fight off the eye-roll this time.

“I still have to get these nails done before I can see him but that can wait for another day. I’m just so happy with how this turned out. Thank you, my dear. It’s been a real pleasure once again”, he thanked her as he stood up from the table, the towel once again falling off of him – he could be so very charming and annoying at the same time.

Yu Yan chucked him his robe irritably from the chair.

“Put on your clothes and meet me at the register”, she simply retorted and walked out of the room. She only heard laughter right until the door closed behind her. She hit the numbers in to the cash register and a couple of minutes later Joker walked over to her with his typical swagger. His skin was glowing and even his personality seemed to shine even brighter through him now.

He brushed back his hair with a contented smile as he opened his walled and paid her and tipped her generously – then again, she expected nothing less, after all there was the payment of staying quiet included in the tip as well. But she did feel a tad of gratitude and appreciativity towards him as a client despite all of his maddening habits and extraordinarily insane accounts and too-private details he sometimes bombarded her while she waxed between his legs.

By the door where the golden bell rang at the top, he stopped for a moment to thank her again and bid her good day. She said nothing more than “remember to moisturize more”, and with that the clown was off again.

Later that week on the news Yu Yan hardly ever watched, she could see Joker brighten up the screen with a big red smile and radiant white skin in his fabulous new dark purple suit. He looked to dance with the Batman better than ever before, movements suave and untiring, like a sharp gleaming knife through soft butter with the Bat in his glorious tow.

Yu Yan had to admit it to herself – self-care really did make a difference. However, she still wasn’t quite ready to take the honor of being the one of the people aiding Joker on his path to becoming even more dangerously captivating in front of the hundreds of camera flashes and no less, in front of the man they believed to be so very incorruptible, the Batman.

But to know the Joker’s side of the stories, it was hard for Yu Yan to quite believe that claim straight of the bat. Fortunately though, she cared none of this and simply turned to another channel with a roll of her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-read or not, I'm posting this fic RIGHT NOW. I don't even know what it is about but I just wanted to highlight my headcanon that Joker waxes his entire body consistently. Everything else, I don't know, but I hope it wasn't too boring.


End file.
